Communicating with my husband after my affair was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I never had any intention of cheating on my husband. I truly love my husband, and still get emotional when I think about how close I came to him not being a part of my life. I never wanted to do anything to hurt him, but I didn’t realize how bad of place I was in. To make it clear, I didn’t get caught cheating on my husband. I felt so horrible about it, I told him the day after if happened.
I didn’t know what type of reaction I would get, and to be honest I would have rather him yell, scream, and maybe even punch me instead of how he looked at me. The look in his eyes was one of hurt, and disgust. He quickly told me just how disgusted he was, got our son ready, and the two of them left without him saying another word. I didn’t know if they were coming back, or how I could even ask him if he was coming back. It felt like my whole world just walked out the door, and my stupid actions was what drove them away.
There are a couple of things I know about my husband no matter is going on his life. First, the only thing that can keep my husband from working is our son’s health problems. Secondly, the only thing more important than work to my husband is his family. I really believe that no matter what my husband goes through it will never cloud the sense of responsibility he feels to do what’s right by our son. He could have ended up despising me personally, but he would have been able to put that aside to co-parent our son.
That wasn’t what was going through my mind though. I was nearly hysterical when I called my mother, and told her everything. My mom was at my house in the next half-hour, and she was the rock I needed. She asked me if my indiscretion was something I had been thinking about for a long time, or if it was a spur of the moment thing, and what made me come home, and come clean. I told her it was a stupid drunken mistake, and I came clean immediately because I felt that bad, and there was no way I could keep it from my husband. I can still hear her words, “Monica, he may leave you. I don’t know if this is something your husband will be able to get past long term.”
Those words cut me deeper than any had in my life because I knew she was right. In addition to his strong views on work, my husband is a very loyal guy, and doesn’t respond well to disloyalty. I have seen him cut more than one person out of his life cold turkey after they messed him over. I kept remembering the words he said when I asked why he, and who I thought was a long time friend no longer talked. He explained to me the situation that led them to fallout, and said he didn’t have the energy to maintain fake relationships. “Monica, most of the words I hear through the course of any given day are just filler, they mean nothing to me, and more importantly they mean nothing to most of the people that say them. It’s a persons actions I am more interested in. Those actions tell you so much more about a person than those hollow words. If someone is trying to tell you something with their actions, maybe you should listen no matter who the person is telling them.”
I kept hearing that over and over in my head, and I just knew my marriage was over. What words could I possibly say that would begin to justify my actions? What were my actions actually saying about the state I was in currently? What state was I in currently? I was so confused, but I was absolutely sure I wanted to stay married to my husband. I asked my mom what I could do as it pertains to my husband. Her answer was, “Nothing. All you can do is work on you, respect the hell out of the pain you caused your husband, and give him the space and time he needs to process that hurt. If you truly want to stay married you have to work on his time table, and address his needs as a person, and in your relationship, before you address your own needs in your relationship. He needs to know that you know just how wrong you were, and how horrible you feel about it. That still may not be enough, but from where I am sitting its the only shot you have.”